Today,
I've learnt that anger and disappointment are two feelings that are very much the same.
They compliment each other like how we should.

I can't expect you to love me the way I love,
I understand that,
but I don't understand how to get over it.
I am butt hurt and I want to crawl back into the safe haven that I've built for myself.
What is the point of putting yourself out there when you can just be alone?
You have you,
and only you to take care of,
to be mindful of,
and there is nobody to hurt you.
You can be bare,
bask in your naked glory because nobody is going to ridicule your thoughts,
your ego,
and your being.

and I say this,
even as I love you.

I just want my love to be enough,
not overbearing,
even though that is the kind of love I am looking for.

I want to stop putting such expectations on you but I can't stop hurting. My chest feels tight and my heart is aching. What am I do to?

It is so easy to feel entitled and take the person you love for granted.
I am so fucking guilty of doing so,
and it kills me.

When you meet someone who breathes life into your days,
keep them.
Even if it takes everything in you to do so,
keep them and make theirs feel the same.

To be enough for you.

You make me feel like I am on top of the world,
but this only makes for a greater fall.
I am usually optimistic and never the first to get pulled down by my own thoughts,
but the thing about love is that it's me taking all my insecurities rolled up into one and handing it over to another to discover.
It doesn't sound very therapeutic to start with.

These few days have been less than ideal and it has left me feeling extremely exhausted. Sigh.
Having internal battles are the worst.
I can't breathe.

I wished I didn't have a great desire or obsession with freedom.
I wished that the thought of settling doesn't terrify me so badly.
I wished I'd fit the mold just as much as the next person.
But this was exactly why you loved me wasn't it?

How could I take that away from you?
There will be nothing left if I do.

Admitting it is both ecstatic and frightful.
I finally have someone to hold on to, and at the same time, someone who might let go.

Weakness,
as I call it,
and I hate feeling small.

How could I ask for more?
I have no promises to give.

The words are clinging onto the tip of my tongue,
nearly tumbling over,
and you are so close to home,
but I won't kiss you.

There's this constant nagging at the back of my mind reminding me that you're going to stop wanting me eventually.
Everytime we're together,
I'm just waiting for it.
I'm just waiting and thinking, "I guess today's the day,"
and nit picking at any little gesture that could possibly show your disinterest so that I could play it off by comforting myself with,
"There, just as I expected."

This is so fucking unhealthy but I can't love you like I want to because I chose not to put in my hundred percent.
My defense mechanism is on overdrive and I'm losing it because I am scared.
Because I am so fucking scared.

Your fingertips send chills down my spine and scatter aches in my chest.
I want it more than I should.

How long is it before we both give out?

First and foremost,
I am not sad.
I may have written things that seemed otherwise,
but I am not sad.

And because I am not feeling under the weather,
I don't know how to churn out poems 

that feel like a thousand knives piercing through your skin

when I have none. 

I can't bring myself to cater to the ones

who have just lost their soulmates 

because mine has yet to come.

and I don't know how to leave out the dirty truth 

that love isn't the only reason to be intimate with another 

as I know
I have done.

I don't intend to be flowery,
because this is what I'll do.
I'd bite your ear,
and trace it with my tongue.
I'd plant kisses down the nape of your neck,
down your collar bones,
graze the corners of your lips,
and suck on them like vanilla flavoured chupa chups.

What is wrong with me?
I can't seem to feel the things I do in the past anymore, the things I would have readily dived in head first without a doubt. I keep playing off any affection towards a person by convincing myself that it will pass and there's absolutely nothing to make a fuss about. That any likeness towards the opposite sex is bad behaviour and needs to go. The notion of love seems too foreign to me now and I can't seem to wrap my head around it.
It's like I don't allow myself to feel anymore.

I desperately need to bring down my walls, walls that I'm not even sure exists to begin with. It might just be how I'm wired when faced with such situations.

Sigh.
Why am I becoming such a mess of a being?

People keep telling me to stop calculating every single thing that I put into my body,
that life is short and I should enjoy it while I can,
that a little of this and that won't make a difference anyway,
but till I find peace with myself and my body,
this is how I will live.

I wonder what you’re doing right now on days we don’t text. I wonder what kind of dreams you’ve had last night or what you ate for dinner. I wonder if, by any chance, that you are also wondering about mine or scrolling through updates on social media the way I constantly do. Conclusion here is : you need to update snapchat more frequently even if you’re just lazing at home. I’d like to see that. I’d like to see you pulling geeky faces while trying out new snapchat filters, raising eyebrows and opening your mouth as wide as possible because let’s be honest here, our phones don’t pick it up all that well. It makes me feel a little closer to you somehow on these non-texting days.

Runs clear my head and my heart and rid them of emotion.